Talking Tips

Start early

The issue of drugs can be very confusing to young children. If drugs are so dangerous, then why is the family medicine cabinet full of them? And why do TV, movies, music and advertising often make drug and alcohol use look so cool?

We need to help our kids distinguish fact from fiction. And it's not too soon to begin. National studies show that the average age when a child first tries alcohol is 11; for marijuana, it's 12.

When your children are still in middle school, begin a conversation about the risks of alcohol use and its effects. Discuss both facts about alcohol use, as well as your position on underage drinking. Remember to stay real and do not exaggerate.

Make sure the information that you offer fits your child's age and stage. If you are watching TV with your 10 year-old and marijuana is mentioned on a program, you can say, "Do you know what marijuana is? It's a bad drug that can hurt your body." If your child has more questions, answer them. If not, let it go. Short, simple, repeated comments get the message across.

Have an ongoing conversation

Information and lessons about drugs and alcohol are important enough to repeat frequently. So be sure to answer your children's questions as often as they ask them and to initiate conversation whenever the opportunity arises.

Some Opportunities to Talk

Be prepared
There will be times when your child throws you for a loop by asking something you either don't know or that makes you slightly embarrassed. Be prepared to answer these by trying to think about every possible question they may have in advance.

Questions to prepare for

Demonstrate positive decision-making
Allow your child plenty of opportunity to become a confident decision-maker. As your child becomes more skilled at making all kinds of good choices, both you and s/he will feel more secure in his/her ability to make the right decision concerning alcohol and drugs, if and when the time arrives.

Talk about decisions you’re making with your child. Explain the steps involved in making your decision (identifying feelings about the issue, brainstorming, sorting out pros and cons, and evaluating pros and cons).

Be a good example
Actions really do speak louder than words. Your children look up to you and follow your example. So try not to reach for a beer the minute you come home after a tough day; it sends the message that drinking is the best way to unwind. Offer dinner guests non-alcoholic drinks in addition to wine and spirits. Take care not to pop pills, even over-the-counter remedies, indiscriminately. And don’t make jokes about getting drunk or using drugs, or your child might think that alcohol or drugs are not to be taken seriously.

Establish a clear position on drugs and alcohol
It’s important to establish a zero tolerance for drug use and set clear expectations. It's okay to say, "We don't allow any drug use in this family and you are not allowed to drink alcohol. The only time that you can take any drugs is when the doctor or Mom or Dad gives you medicine when you're sick. Do you have any questions?"

If you are dealing with teenagers, discuss and agree on boundaries concerning what you will and will not allow him/her to get involved in, and what he/she needs in terms of privacy. Agreed-to boundaries should be respected.

Examples of ways to set rules:
• I've been thinking lately that I've never actually told you this: I don't want you using alcohol, tobacco or illegal drugs.”
• I love you and I want the best for you, so I don't want you using marijuana, alcohol or any other drug.”
• The rule in our house is that nobody uses drugs.”
• You know, doing drugs and drinking are not games. I don’t want you doing them, not now, not ever.”
• If you’re at a party and you see that drugs or alcohol are being used, the rule is to leave that party. Call me and I’ll come and get you.”

Discuss what makes a good friend
Peer pressure becomes increasingly important to a child’s development so it makes sense to talk with your children about what makes a good friend early on.

The definition of a good friend varies at different ages. For 11 to 12-year-olds, a friend is someone who shares their values and experiences, respects their decisions and listens to their feelings. Once you've gotten these concepts across, your children will understand that "friends" who pressure them to drink or smoke aren't friends at all.

Additionally, encouraging skills like sharing and cooperation -- and strong involvement in fun, healthy activities (such as drama, chess club, or team sports) -- will help your children make and maintain good friendships as they mature and increase the chance that they'll remain drug and alcohol-free.

Build self-esteem
Children who are confident are less likely than other kids to turn to illegal substances to get high. As parents, you can do many things to enhance your child's self-image.

Some suggestions: 
• Praise your child when they’ve done something well.
• If you need to criticize your child, talk about the action, not the person. If your son gets a math problem wrong, it's better to say, "I think you added wrong. Let's try again."
• Assign age-appropriate chores. A 6-year-old can bring her plate over to the sink after dinner; a 12-year-old can feed and walk the dog after school. Performing such duties and being praised for them helps your child feel good about him/herself.
• Spend one-on-one time with your child. Setting aside at least 15 uninterrupted minutes per child per day to talk, play a game, read a book, or take a walk together, lets him/her know you care.
• Say, "I love you." Nothing will make your child feel better. 

How to Prepare Your Kids for Peer Pressure
No matter how well you communicate with your child, the fact is that they will be facing peer pressure when you’re not around. Kids don't usually get drugs from strangers. They get drugs from their friends. And that's the toughest issue of all — as you have to teach your kids that it's OK to say no to their friends, to the people they look to for validation, recognition, and fun.

Ask your child what he/she would say or do in risky situations. With this information, help them craft possible responses to peer pressure.

Examples